Silent Illumination Retreat at DDRC in May 2023 (C.T.)

I first attended Silent Illumination retreat in 2016. Over the years, I tried to get better at the practice, trying to settle the mind and trying to look deeper into the thoughts for insights.  But the over-trying and over-thinking actually get in the way.  Neither the body nor the mind can relax in meditation, I usually felt exhausted after sessions and sessions of sitting in retreat. This time, I finally learned to let go the intention and the control of wanting to get better.

The theme of the first full day is “Arriving”, practicing to allow both the body and the mind to arrive at the retreat.  The method is to anchor the awareness on the changing sensations of body breathing moment by moment. This is just a neutral thing for the mind to focus on, no judgment or expectation. My mind was getting relaxed throughout the day’s practice. 

The theme of the second day is “ Transforming”, allowing body, mind, and the environment all into the awareness.  Now, I got into trouble.  I took the direction to expand my awareness intensionally. I opened my eyes wider in order to direct the mind to surroundings.  During interview, I learned that, with the added intention, the subject (the mind) and the object (the environment) were separated. The environment is in the awareness naturally, there is no need to add another layer of effort.  After the interview, I practiced “Just Sitting”  and the mind got more settled with continued practice.

On the third day, on the way to Dining Hall for breakfast, the mind stayed on the sensations of walking step by step, clearly aware of each step in motion. Then a thought came to me that each step I took was a miracle, the leg muscles can automatically coordinate each movement and the body can maintain the balance at ease without struggle. What a wonderful blessing I have! As I took each step and vividly experienced each step as a miracle, the joy filled my heart higher and higher. By the time I reached the Dining Hall, I felt like I wanted to skip and to leap into the air with joy! Later as I started to have breakfast, I felt that all the flavors and textures of the food tasted so good like it was my first time experiencing the tastes. My heart was filled with appreciation for the breakfast prepared for us. I also had a lot of fun experiencing the eating motions, the scooping, chewing, and swallowing.  I felt the miraculous blessings moment by moment throughout the breakfast period.  

The theme of the day is “Stay with that just as that; and stay with this just as this.” During the meditation sessions, sometimes I got impatient in just watching the thoughts coming and going.  I felt the compulsion to analyze and dissect the thoughts for deeper insights. Over and over again, I held the urge back telling myself not to get involved, don’t try to add more efforts, just follow the instructions of “let through, let be, and let go.”   Especially after the breakfast experience, I had faith in the method in simply staying with the present moment without adding any intention or judgment. I saw clearly the habitual tendency of wanting to make progress, the compulsion of craving for something more meaningful,  a need to prove myself, an indication that the present moment is not good enough. This compulsion of constantly wanting to be in control and to get better is so pervasive, it is the driving force shaping the pattern of my thinking and actions. After noticing this habitual tendency, I practiced to stay with myself as if I was with my best friend with the attitude of patience and acceptance. Every time I started the sitting, I made a commitment to make good use of the session to practice over and over again in getting familiar with the doctrine of “staying with this just as this”.  Treating whatever came up as a practice opportunity, I can build up the same attitude in facing difficult situations in real life, especially I’ve noticed how my compulsion of resisting and grasping had caused many harms to myself and my loved ones. 

I was getting more at ease staying with the awareness and the relaxation over the following days and didn’t encounter much difficulty. Towards the end of the retreat, I was assigned to be the Chan Hall assistant in one afternoon. I tried to use the method in between aligning people for interviews but my mind can’t really settle.  The notion that “I am doing this task” was in the way. Thinking of the teaching that we are all inter-beings and there is no fixed entity of me or others, I was relieved from the tension of “I” being responsible for the task. I was not really doing the task alone, the teacher and the practitioners were all working together to make the interview process go smoothly. Once the idea of ‘I” was released, I was able to stay with the method with peace and joy. I was grateful to have this practice opportunity off the meditation cushion and experienced how I was affected by the fundamental ignorance of treating “I” as a fixed and independent self.

I came to this retreat with the intention to gain more understanding of the method of Silent Illumination. But the gaining is actually through the process of letting go the idea of gaining.  By letting go the trying, I experienced joy and appreciation naturally arising when the mind just stayed with each present moment directly.  By letting go the self concern and criticism, I accepted all mental activities as practice opportunities. They helped me to see my habitual tendency of wanting something different than what was happening right now.  By working on an unfamiliar task, I realized that when I was not at ease, it was because that “I” was sticking out.  I experienced that when I looked into the uneasiness, it became an opportunity for me to catch the false identification of “I”.  I learned that Silent Illumination is not a meditation trophy for me to achieve from here to over there. It is an attitude for me to apply in my life to experience each moment deeply and openly right here and right now. It is how I embrace the miracles in thusness and in harmony with the body, mind, and environment all together.  My heart is filled with gratitude that I get to learn the true meaning of life with faith in the right direction.