Category: Reflections

Reflections

Beginner’s Mind Retreat at DDRC 2026 (B.W.)

One of the key points of the weekend that we kept circling back to, which I found especially helpful to me personally, was the importance of working with ourselves gently and kindly, and learning to give ourselves unconditional love.  In the home I grew up in I experienced a lot of cruelty, psychological and emotional abuse, and trauma.  Basically the cruel voice that I experienced at home was internalized, and became my own cruel inner voice, which I have had to work very hard as an adult to try to unlearn.  It has shown up in my life in various ways, all of which are rooted in the same issue of self-judgment: as fear of making mistakes; as perfectionism and OCD tendencies; as anxiety and overthinking, overplanning, and overanalyzing; as social anxiety for fear of being judged; as anxiety and fear of the future related to my career goals, and on and on I could go.  Long story short, the home I grew up in was not safe, and I learned all the unhelpful habits mentioned above as ways to try to keep myself safe.  Unlearning these very deeply ingrained patterns rooted in childhood has not been easy, and it has taken most of my 30s to see real change and at least some improvement.  To be clear, the issues and struggles are still there, but they do not cut into me with the same intensity, they are not as “big”, they do not control me in the same way, and overall I am just a stronger and happier person.  Part of me is just so surprised that I was actually able to do this.  Making progress has given me some sense of, “OK, wow, I’m actually doing this. I can do this. I can be happier”, and this initial success is probably part of the reason why I was drawn to meditation and to attend this retreat in the first place, that is, as a tool and way to go even deeper into understanding myself and why I suffer.  The upside is that for the first time in my life I am realizing that I have the power to break out of the self-judgment that has for so long been my prisoner, that I am the one who gets to choose whether or not to fuel the self-judgement, that I am responsible for whether or not I suffer.  I believe in a Buddhist context they would say something like “the cause of suffering is not outside of ourselves”, which Rebecca touched upon last weekend in her talk on the four noble truths.  It very empowering to know that we get to choose whether or not we suffer, that we our responsible for our own happiness, not others or the external world, which is usually where the blame goes, as Rebecca pointed out (“I hate my boss”, “My parents are the reason for all my problems”, “If only my wife did so and so I’d be happier”).  So the recurring theme of self-love and kindness that ran through the weekend was definitely something that resonated with me personally, and that I am choosing to focus on in my retreat reflection, because it is the main thing that I have been working on growing and developing in my adult life in order to heal very deep wounds from my past.  

I was self-conscious about using a chair, but on Saturday morning Rebecca emphasized that it’s not about the practice looking a certain way or taking a certain form (like sitting crosslegged), and to remember that it is your practice and that you must find what works for you.  She even said that her teacher, Simon Child, was never able to sit crosslegged, which instantly made me feel better!  Rebecca also said that the kindness and unconditional love we give ourselves is more important than the meditation itself.  She pointed out that the method is inherently meaningless and is just a way to discover our own reactivities, where discovering and unlearning these reactivities with gentleness and kindness is more important than being a “good meditator” or meditating the “right” way.  As she said, it’s about reducing suffering, not meditating to get an A+.  I think at one point she said something like, “In meditation there is no goal or nothing to achieve.  It is not a race.  Who are you racing against?  Yourself.”  With the aim instead being to learn about ourselves, we then learn to treat ourselves better, which causes a kind of ripple effect to our loved ones and those around us.  This theme showed up again on Saturday night when Rebecca explained why we practice, which in Chan is different from other traditions and forms of meditation.  Basically, it’s not about creating certain mind-states, where even blissful experiences of oneness have limited value, since these do not last and we always come back down into the world, back into a world where we suffer and cause suffering to others.  She explained how Shakyamuni Buddha himself discovered this after mastering the various schools and methods of his time, but none of these ultimately got rid of suffering.  So in the same vein as the Buddha, the reason why we practice is liberation from suffering, and this intention is directly tied to the four noble truths, as Rebecca explained.

When examining my own suffering, I have learned that I make my life much harder than it needs to be, something that Rebecca pointed out to us on Saturday, which definitely rang true for me!  As she said during the “art of seeing” workshop, we fight against the realities we construct for ourselves when we project our own concepts, labels, and descriptions onto the world, but when seen clearly, we are actually just fighting against “air”–there is nothing there!  For example, one of the major “things” I fight against in my life is chores, tasks, my “to do” list, as if these mental constructs are real, solid entities.  Little things for me can become very big triggers, things to resist and have an aversion to, even though when seen clearly it is really just  the idea of doing the task that is the problem for me, not the actual task itself.  And of course the idea of it is wrapped up in so many layers of self-judgement and personal childhood issues that are being projected onto the thing.  For example, I remember I need to wash the dishes, which triggers resistance, anger, and so on.  I now know that this resistance and aversion is rooted in having very cruel and controlling adults in my home who were hyper critical and judgemental of every move I made in the kitchen, standing over my shoulder and breathinging down my neck checking for mistakes.  So my aversion now is a kind of avoidance and attempt to not re-experience those same feelings.  But guess what?  There is no one standing over my shoulder now.  It is just me standing there in the kitchen.  So who or what am I fighting against?  It is just air, as Rebecca said.  That person from my past is not here.  This is a brand new moment.  I have never washed these dishes before.  Although I have past-programming on how I relate to doing dishes, I get to choose how to see the dishes now.  Wow, what a revelation!  And as we learned in the workshop, it’s not just things in the world we do this to, we do this to each other when we project onto other people our distorted view of who we think they are.  But as we learned, a beginner’s mind reminds us to drop our personal filters and labels and instead open up to the people actually standing there in front of us in that moment, and the moment is fluid and always changing.  It is a hard thing to do given our tendency to label, put people in boxes, and “freeze” them by assuming they are a certain way and will stay that way forever.  I feel it in my own life when people from my past look at me a certain way and do not see how much I have grown, how much I have changed, or the man I’ve become.  I can feel it as they project onto me who they think I am, this person from the past they used to know, but in reality is no longer there.  It can be quite hurtful at times to not be seen in this way, as Rebecca pointed out during the workshop.

In the context of a silent retreat, it’s funny how our inner dialogues can be amplified in the silence, that is, when we forget to practice staying grounded and embodied in the present moment but instead let our minds and internal chatter take over.  This is something I noticed during work practice, where my challenges with self-judgement definitely showed up.  My work practice assignment for the weekend was sweeping the porch of the dining hall.  Saturday after breakfast when I took my first pass at the porch I immediately noticed how dirty it was, and I thought how the last person assigned this job did not do a very good job as it appeared some areas hadn’t been touched in weeks!  Judging the former porch-sweeper is of course an indirect judgement on myself–I will do a better job than the last guy because I am a perfectionist with OCD tendencies and I can make this porch cleaner than it’s been all summer!  It also comes back to fear of making mistakes, and I did at one point accidentally sweep off a spider’s web which triggered a wrenching pit in my stomach like, “Oh no, this is a Buddhist space and I may have just hurt that spider…What if the monks saw that?”  My porch sweeping challenges were also wrapped up in seeking approval and validation, that someone would notice how good of a job I did, which after two or three passes I must say that porch was looking spick and span!  The approval seeking showed up in other ways over the weekend as well.  For example, “Did they notice I closed the door lightly enough?”  “Did they notice that I cleaned my bowl all the way before putting it in the dish pile?”  “Did the teacher and her helpers see that I was sitting properly and taking their instruction?”  As the weekend went on the feeling of someone watching me–that same feeling I have in life as if someone is always watching and judging me–was revealed to be more and more delusional, false, and plainly ridiculous because, in the context of a silent retreat with no social interaction, there was in reality actually no one watching me!  As I paid more attention, it became clear that no one was watching anything I was doing all weekend due to the rules of the retreat, it was just me!  It was totally 100% just me sweeping the porch and absolutely not a single person was noticing how good of a job I did.  It was an interesting realization and shined the light even brighter on how I am my own worst critic, how I am the only one judging myself, how that cruel voice I learned and internalized in childhood still lingers.

On Sunday we practiced metta meditation, and unlike the other retreatants who shared that they had a hard time extending loving-kindness to people they hate, I found that I actually had the hardest time with the first part of the exercise, that is, giving it to myself.  It was a bit of a surprise because this is something I’ve been working on for years now, and although I was able to do it to some degree during the metta meditation, it was definitely more challenging than extending the loving-kindness in the fourth stage of the exercise.  I actually struggled to even pick a person in that last step, and it took a while to choose someone because even my abusers I feel totally different towards now and have forgiven them, whereas five years ago I can honestly say that I hated them!  So going into the metta meditation it was not like I had true hatred towards anyone, and Rebecca suggested if this is the case then to just go with someone who annoys you, and I certainly still have plenty of those people left in my life!  Because the rest of the group was so intent on and curious about how to handle the fourth step, I did not want to steer the conversation away from their questions, so I did not share my experience.  But when I reflect on it now it brings back something a very dear teacher and friend of mine said to me a few years ago, “You know how to be kind to everybody else but yourself.”  Based on how the metta meditation went, it seems I still have a ways to go with this key life lesson, that is, with learning unconditional self-love.   

I had started to write a much longer, more in depth reflection of the retreat but it started to grow and snowball into something else, kind of a wider reflection on my whole spiritual path and journey.  Basically as I started to write and reflect on the retreat, it became impossible for me to separate the retreat experience from the path that brought me there, from things I’ve learned from other teachers and traditions, from things I’ve learned about myself, from experiences I’ve had, and from the little bit of Chan teachings I’ve read about.  So my retreat report kind of turned into an integration and synthesis of all those different elements, where I found tying them together was the best way for me to get the most out of the experience.  I plan to pick that bigger writing project up in the future, especially as I start to practice more and integrate what I learned last weekend into my daily life, but for now I think one key thing I need to remind myself is that reading or writing about the practice is not the actual practice itself.  As Rebecca said this weekend, the practice is not about the words or getting the words right (and she is an academic), something especially emphasized in the Chan tradition.  As a cerebral person myself, this is definitely a challenge for me.  The practice is simply to stay with the changing sensations of the body/mind in the present moment, to gently maintain contact with the present moment, and to not make it a “thing” that we either crave/desire or hate/have aversion to.  It is basically maintaining clear awareness in whatever we do, moment to moment, without reacting in ways that cause suffering.  After the retreat I feel motivated and inspired to keep going, to keep learning about myself and practicing, so that I can continue to learn how to treat myself better and in turn those around me, which is really the whole point–it is a “win-win.”  

I am grateful to Rebecca, her student helpers, the group, and all the people at DDRC for making last weekend possible and for creating a space in which we can practice together.  It is extremely rare to have these opportunities, as Rebecca pointed out to us on Saturday, so I realize what a blessing and gift that experience was, and I am truly grateful to all of the people that made it happen.  Thank you!

Reflections, Retreat Reports

Western Zen Retreat at DDRC 2023 (M.S.)

A Most Relaxed Retreat with Equal Moments and No Expectations 

Retreat Report on Western Chan Retreat

(October 6-11, 2023)

Led by Rebecca Li

The last time I participated in an intensive retreat at DDRC was during the silent illumination retreat led by Simon Child in May 2019. The outbreak of Covid disrupted everything including in-person group practice. Although I was fortunate enough to reconnect with CMC and DDRC through informal gatherings and online lectures, my practice was inevitably impacted. As a beginner practitioner, I rely on the support and nourishing environment of in-person group practice, and the absence of intensive retreats during these four and half years was certainly felt. I began to sense a heaviness in my heart and a sense of losing direction. I began to feel as if I had almost forgotten that I am a practitioner, and the transformative effects of previous retreats seemed to have long faded away.

Causes and Conditions of the Body and Mind

When Covid finally began to subside and DDRC reopened for in-person retreats, I was eager to return. Much had transpired in my life during this period. We relocated to a house in the suburbs, and my parents joined us in our new home. Additionally, I welcomed another baby, and my business became more demanding. Perhaps the most significant change was in my physical condition, as I entered my forties. I noticed a distinct shift in my ability to memorize and concentrate on reading. I used to immerse myself in reading Buddhist teachings and sutras. However, after the birth of my second baby, my regular reading of Buddhist books and sutras also was significantly reduced.  

With so much has transpired in my life, the striving Min did not surface this time. The pursuit of enlightenment seemed distant, overshadowed by many other life priorities. It felt like a faint idea from long ago, and I found myself no longer interested in it. Despite lacking a clear goal or expectation for this retreat, an inner knowing urged me to attend. Even when I learned that Simon couldn’t lead the retreat, I didn’t waver in my determination. My past experiences have taught me that, regardless of circumstances and teachers, attending a retreat is a clear and unquestionable choice—it’s always beneficial, even if I just sit and enjoy silence for a few days. 

Arriving Friday Night: Refamiliarize with the Method

Upon arriving at the retreat, a wave of nostalgia enveloped me. I was back, but everything seemed different—the Chan hall, the arrangement of the Zen garden, the staff, and the participants had all changed. During the first night, Rebecca called me for the initial interview and inquired about the question I was using. What question? I was at a loss. It appeared that I had forgotten the intricacies of how things worked at a Western Chan retreat. It had been exactly 10 years since I attended the first Western Chan Retreat in May 2013, and it felt like I was back at square one.

I was puzzled and told Rebecca that nothing really arose when I was asked the question “who am I.” Most of the time, I just experienced calmness and the awareness of bodily sensations. Rebecca sighed slightly and approached the inquiry differently, asking me to share a bit about my life since the last retreat. This question triggered a cascade of responses. I conveyed my overall contentment with life but delved into my concerns about changes in my physical condition, a less sharp mind, and a less reliable memory. Rebecca listened attentively and astutely commented, “So, you are not satisfied.” Although I felt a twinge of defensiveness upon hearing this, I had to admit she was right. It dawned on me that my concerns and constant comparisons to the past were subtle expressions of dissatisfaction that I had been unconsciously experiencing. My mind, however, wasn’t clear enough to recognize it.

Rebecca then questioned whether I had lost interest in the fundamental inquiry of “who am I.” She pointed out that I seemed dismissive of the question, blocking my mind.  She pointed out that my understanding of the self was purely intellectual, driven by a desire to be an A+ student in my Buddhist studies, and I was overlooking the experiential dimension of the inquiry.  She encouraged me to be more open and allow the thoughts to arise and do not be afraid of making a full contact with them.  Her words triggered a recollection of similar feedback from past retreats, where Simon had also noted that I was blocking my mind. This memory returned somewhat faded but with a sense of recognition. However, there was also a subtle resistance within me, a thought of, “Not again! Are you sure you didn’t just say that because you have a fixed view of me!” Despite this internal resistance, I made a promise that I would make a sincere effort to be more open.

Experiencing Suffering and the Cause of Suffering: Suffering is INDEED caused by our own lack of clarity

Each day, Rebecca gave us a talk. She first talked about the four noble truths and how our cravings and aversions cause suffering. Initially, the teachings didn’t captivate my attention because I had heard and studied them numerous times over my decade-long journey as a Buddhist.  However, when I began to pay attention to whatever arose in my mind, I quickly noticed this disturbing feeling when the thoughts of my work arose. The inability to know all the answers and devise perfect plans for my professional responsibilities weighed on me, creating a cumulative sense of heaviness in my heart.  Following Rebecca’s guidance, I allowed these sensations and thoughts to arise and fully acknowledged them and pay close attention to them. I noticed myself resorting to logic and arguments to console myself, attempting to convince that everything was okay. However, the unease persisted, deepening into an unsettling and heavy feeling in my heart.  

In the midst of this discomfort, it struck me that the lack of clarity about my own mental processes was the fundamental cause of this unease. The deeply ingrained, unrealistic assumption that I should have all the answers in my work and control every factor to formulate impeccable plans for my clients had been shaped by past misconceptions. These unrealistic expectations were the origin of my anxieties. I came to recognize that the seed of anxiety had long been planted within me, yet I remained oblivious to its cause. When I fell short of these self-imposed expectations, the resulting anxieties were a consequence of my own actions. Yet, due to lack of awareness, my habitual tendency is to run away from these feelings—I couldn’t see that the result had already manifested at that point and avoiding such feelings wouldn’t resolve the issue or prevent me from experiencing anxiety again in the future; what I needed was just to fully accept the result without resistance and to cease planting the seeds causing such anxiety now if I do not want to experience such feelings again.  

The teachings on the law of cause and effect in Buddhism resonated in my mind. For the first time, I had verified this truth through my own lived experience: the choices I make today shape the experiences I’ll encounter in the future. It is true that we reap what we sow. Every moment becomes a seed that shapes the nature of our future experiences, so we need to be fully present and aware of each moment. 

Sharing this realization with Rebecca, she smiled and pointed out that I had just experienced the first and second of the four noble truths: suffering and the cause of suffering. It was a profound moment for me. Despite being intellectually familiar with these teachings, I had never directly connected with them through my own lived experience until now.

Living in the Present Moment: Every Moment is New!

I quickly settled into the flow of the retreat, and the familiarity of the retreat process helped me reconnect with my prior retreat experiences. Following the flow and employing the method of moment-to-moment awareness, my mind began to settle. Even though I had developed a cold, causing persistent coughing, thankfully, it wasn’t COVID, and it became a constant disruption during the retreat, surprisingly, with almost no expectations for this retreat, such as striving to be a model student or achieving specific outcomes, I wasn’t bothered by the interruptions to my stillness. I didn’t feel the usual anxiety that would have arisen in the past, thinking I was wasting precious time. I had fully accepted the condition for what it was. I sound miserable, but I was actually pretty relaxed. 

During my interview, I shared an interesting experience with Rebecca. At lunch, the dessert was exceptionally delightful, and as I took the first bite, a thought crossed my mind, “I’m going to get more when I finish.” Then, I was fully present in the taste, savoring each bite. To my surprise, when I finished, I noticed at that moment there was no desire for more as if the thought of getting more had never occurred moments ago.

This was an interesting experience for me. Typically, if I entertained the thought of getting more, I would either act on it or suppress the desire, leading to a subtle tension and a lingering sense of dissatisfaction. However, in this instance, the thought of getting more completely disappeared, leaving no residual impact. I didn’t conceptualize what I experienced and noticed. Instead, I just took a mental note to share it with Rebecca at the interview.  She nodded and commented that I see it for myself that it was okay to be fully in contact with our thoughts, facing them, and letting them go by recognizing that our experience of the present unfolds moment by moment. The experience of one moment does not have to be carried into next moment. Indeed, every moment is new! Now I think I understand what antient Chan masters referred to as “念念不相知” (“Each thought do not know one another.” )

Every Moment is Equal: Nothing is an obstacle to practice.

As the retreat progressed, following Rebecca’s guidance of allowing thoughts to rise as they are not a problem, I found myself growing increasingly relaxed, and my practice became more continuous and fluid. I seamlessly transitioned from sitting meditation to movement, no longer feeling the need to rush when the chime signaled the end of a sitting session. A profound realization dawned upon me—that every moment is equal!  I ceased to harbor a desire to hasten to the next moment or yearn for a different experience. No matter what I experienced, –be it leg pain, drowsiness, the mind playing a movie, or my inclination to disengage the practice, or my self-doubt if I am practicing correctly, or my clinging to stillness — I just witness each moment as it is. The experience of each moment is different, but they are equal in my mind. There are no good or bad moments and those previously I would call “bad” moments such as leg pains, drowsiness is not an obstacle to the practice at all. 

While thoughts continued to come and go, and various sensations, including bodily discomfort and mental uneasiness, arises and perishes, these experiences no longer bother me. I embraced them fully as they arose, and there was no tension because I harbored no inclination to change the experience.

A Method of Nothing to Hold onto, Yet the direction is clearer than ever! 

During my last interview, I asked Rebecca how I can get rid of the sense of self because clearly there is still a “I” being aware of things. Rebecca said I was getting ahead of my experiences, engaging in fantasies by applying Buddhist teachings. She referenced John Crook’s observation that Buddhists are among those most difficult to get enlightened due to their extensive knowledge and entrenched views. Additionally, she highlighted Shifu’s caution that during retreats, practitioners should set aside all book teachings. The emptiness of the self refers to its impermanence, much like a river that is constantly changing. She stressed the importance to direct experience the self moment by moment. The real issue lies in the attachment to the idea of a solid, unchanging self. I found myself wide-eyed when I heard these words, unable to believe that all these years, I’ve been placing the wrong emphasis on trying to experience “the unified self” and boo! The magic moment of “no-self” rather than recognizing that more attention should be directed to paying attention to the mind of grasping and aversion, which solidifies the sense of ‘I.’

Rebecca cautioned me not to solidify the clarity of the present moment into a fixed concept and grasp onto it. However, a sense of insecurity surfaced; how would I discern whether I was on or off practice? Expressing my doubts, I questioned, “Are you sure? What about the conventional teaching we often receive at most retreats: ‘Hold onto your method!’ If I release the last bit of clinging to the method of being fully present, how would I even know if I’m practicing?” It was in that moment of questioning that the essence of silent illumination being a method of no method struck me.

Rebecca acknowledged my concerns as valid and suggested using the huatou as guidance to investigate the mind. I admitted that releasing attachment to the method might make me feel more relaxed but potentially more susceptible to being carried away by thoughts. Despite my reluctance, there was a part of me that recognized Rebecca’s wisdom, realizing that after years of practice, the direction had become clearer than ever. It’s challenging to articulate the subtle differences between false calmness induced by the mind turning off, the mind surrendering to the thought train, and the mind actively experiencing thoughts while still practicing. These nuances can only be truly understood through practice. After years of practice, I have confidence in myself in knowing the differences. 

Finally, I couldn’t help but exclaim, “Wow, so the practice is really simple and applicable to daily life.” I continued, saying, “Our practice is essentially about forming a new habit of paying attention moment by moment.” Rebecca chimed in, emphasizing, “Being aware of our habitual tendencies and consciously choosing not to respond to them.”    

When I return to the cushion, I had a bold thought, “Wow, the practice is quite simple! Enlightenment seems almost inevitable if I keep practicing!” A smile surfaced on my face, but it was swiftly replaced by a profound emotion, and tears welled up in my eyes. Yet, just as quickly as the sensation emerged, it dissipated in the next moment. Without dwelling on it, I remained seated, allowing the experience to pass without further engagement. Now I realized what the antient Chan master means “善用其心” （”Applying the mind”）

I left the retreat with all the issues in my life absolutely unsolved. nothing seemed to have changed. Yet, everything was changed because they don’t bother me any more at least for now and the practice carries on!  

Reflections, Retreat Reports

Silent Illumination Retreat at DDRC in May 2023 (C.T.)

I first attended Silent Illumination retreat in 2016. Over the years, I tried to get better at the practice, trying to settle the mind and trying to look deeper into the thoughts for insights.  But the over-trying and over-thinking actually get in the way.  Neither the body nor the mind can relax in meditation, I usually felt exhausted after sessions and sessions of sitting in retreat. This time, I finally learned to let go the intention and the control of wanting to get better.

The theme of the first full day is “Arriving”, practicing to allow both the body and the mind to arrive at the retreat.  The method is to anchor the awareness on the changing sensations of body breathing moment by moment. This is just a neutral thing for the mind to focus on, no judgment or expectation. My mind was getting relaxed throughout the day’s practice. 

The theme of the second day is “ Transforming”, allowing body, mind, and the environment all into the awareness.  Now, I got into trouble.  I took the direction to expand my awareness intensionally. I opened my eyes wider in order to direct the mind to surroundings.  During interview, I learned that, with the added intention, the subject (the mind) and the object (the environment) were separated. The environment is in the awareness naturally, there is no need to add another layer of effort.  After the interview, I practiced “Just Sitting”  and the mind got more settled with continued practice.

On the third day, on the way to Dining Hall for breakfast, the mind stayed on the sensations of walking step by step, clearly aware of each step in motion. Then a thought came to me that each step I took was a miracle, the leg muscles can automatically coordinate each movement and the body can maintain the balance at ease without struggle. What a wonderful blessing I have! As I took each step and vividly experienced each step as a miracle, the joy filled my heart higher and higher. By the time I reached the Dining Hall, I felt like I wanted to skip and to leap into the air with joy! Later as I started to have breakfast, I felt that all the flavors and textures of the food tasted so good like it was my first time experiencing the tastes. My heart was filled with appreciation for the breakfast prepared for us. I also had a lot of fun experiencing the eating motions, the scooping, chewing, and swallowing.  I felt the miraculous blessings moment by moment throughout the breakfast period.  

The theme of the day is “Stay with that just as that; and stay with this just as this.” During the meditation sessions, sometimes I got impatient in just watching the thoughts coming and going.  I felt the compulsion to analyze and dissect the thoughts for deeper insights. Over and over again, I held the urge back telling myself not to get involved, don’t try to add more efforts, just follow the instructions of “let through, let be, and let go.”   Especially after the breakfast experience, I had faith in the method in simply staying with the present moment without adding any intention or judgment. I saw clearly the habitual tendency of wanting to make progress, the compulsion of craving for something more meaningful,  a need to prove myself, an indication that the present moment is not good enough. This compulsion of constantly wanting to be in control and to get better is so pervasive, it is the driving force shaping the pattern of my thinking and actions. After noticing this habitual tendency, I practiced to stay with myself as if I was with my best friend with the attitude of patience and acceptance. Every time I started the sitting, I made a commitment to make good use of the session to practice over and over again in getting familiar with the doctrine of “staying with this just as this”.  Treating whatever came up as a practice opportunity, I can build up the same attitude in facing difficult situations in real life, especially I’ve noticed how my compulsion of resisting and grasping had caused many harms to myself and my loved ones. 

I was getting more at ease staying with the awareness and the relaxation over the following days and didn’t encounter much difficulty. Towards the end of the retreat, I was assigned to be the Chan Hall assistant in one afternoon. I tried to use the method in between aligning people for interviews but my mind can’t really settle.  The notion that “I am doing this task” was in the way. Thinking of the teaching that we are all inter-beings and there is no fixed entity of me or others, I was relieved from the tension of “I” being responsible for the task. I was not really doing the task alone, the teacher and the practitioners were all working together to make the interview process go smoothly. Once the idea of ‘I” was released, I was able to stay with the method with peace and joy. I was grateful to have this practice opportunity off the meditation cushion and experienced how I was affected by the fundamental ignorance of treating “I” as a fixed and independent self.

I came to this retreat with the intention to gain more understanding of the method of Silent Illumination. But the gaining is actually through the process of letting go the idea of gaining.  By letting go the trying, I experienced joy and appreciation naturally arising when the mind just stayed with each present moment directly.  By letting go the self concern and criticism, I accepted all mental activities as practice opportunities. They helped me to see my habitual tendency of wanting something different than what was happening right now.  By working on an unfamiliar task, I realized that when I was not at ease, it was because that “I” was sticking out.  I experienced that when I looked into the uneasiness, it became an opportunity for me to catch the false identification of “I”.  I learned that Silent Illumination is not a meditation trophy for me to achieve from here to over there. It is an attitude for me to apply in my life to experience each moment deeply and openly right here and right now. It is how I embrace the miracles in thusness and in harmony with the body, mind, and environment all together.  My heart is filled with gratitude that I get to learn the true meaning of life with faith in the right direction.

Reflections

Silent Illumination Retreat–May 2023 (C.B.)

Having attended a 7 day retreat last year I arrived confident that this time I would settle in more quickly.  I was not nervous, just a bit excited to get started.  Little did I know I would soon be presented with an unexpected challenge and guide to my practice. Sunday morning I awoke and I reached up from bed to turn on the light.  My right shoulder did not appreciate that maneuver and responded with a very painful muscle spasm.  It took a few minutes to realize what happened and to figure out what motions I could or couldn’t make.  It would prove to be an aid in focusing my bodymind awareness and would force me to practice compassion toward myself; to be easier on this aging body. 

 I was able to settle in after the first day, which was quite difficult, and to relax and receive the teaching.  The introduction of Silent Illumination resonated deeply and I sat with periods of clear awareness.  Sometimes my shoulder would do its bad thing. This sharply brought my awareness to the exact position of my right arm and shoulder.  It proved to be both an interruption and a point of focus for practice during the Eight Form meditation and standing stretching.

The whole retreat was one continuously changing moment. Impermanence.  Dynamic stillness. Vibrantly calm.  It doesn’t last. Then back or knee pain.  It is a big problem to sit there and try to make things stay the same!   Often I would struggle.  But when I relaxed in good posture I could settle into a good period of sitting.  Amazing!  Just as our teacher pointed out it is necessary to overcome our conceptual understanding of what of what meditation is and just sit. 

So, that’s one big takeaway; to relax and let go of mind.  Let thoughts go. The other is the importance of continuously practicing.  In Master Sheng Yen’s commentary on the poem Faith in Mind he talks about practice as putting air in your tires. If you meditate daily and go on retreat once or twice a year you are putting enough air in to balance the leak. Your tires won’t go flat. But if you practice continuously you can stop the leak!  

Lastly, I have found it easier since being back in the world to access what comes up when interacting with people, particularly my spouse and colleagues at work. So many habit tendencies!  Like when I get upset they can’t read my mind and then have to tell them more clearly what I mean!  Or when I’m at the food shelf volunteering I find it hard to strike up a conversation unless it’s about the most mundane things.  But I guess that’s how you start one. 

It is so fortunate that causes and conditions came together to create this retreat. From our skillful teacher, Rebecca, to DDRC, to the many volunteers, especially the cooks, and the retreatants I am extremely grateful and appreciatively joyful.  After three Silent Illumination retreats I feel I am starting to practice more effectively this method of no method.  And I have been inspired to make a vow to practice continuously without striving or any idea of gaining so Buddha nature may be revealed.  Forget what I think it is or should be.  Just practice.

Reflections

Retreat Report–DW

Well, as the retreat was starting, I had the feeling that it was coming at the most inopportune time.  There were so many things in my life seemingly falling apart, that my mind was like a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions, with no solid object to grasp for stability.  Fortunately, the retreat was the event that would help me to tread and swim safely through the storming waters in my mind.

At a certain point in the first sit, I found that I stopped trying to search for answers, or even for calmness.  I just simply gave myself over to the method and allowed all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions to keep their course without me obsessively grasping at them, trying to put them away, or eradicate them.  The whirlpool continued in the same way it had before the retreat, but I found that I was able to breathe and I was able to see.  I was able to just reside in the whirlpool, watching like a big beautiful ball of energy, without fighting against it, without trying to calm it, without naming and blaming, without trying to escape.  No matter what arose, I was able to sit, see, and let it be.  Yet, I am not saying it was easy.  My body was taut; my head hurt, my blood pressure was higher than normal, my shoulders on fire.  But I knew that none of these things were going to injure me or ruin me, at that moment, or during that day.  By the midpart of the first half of the day, I just gave myself completely into the rhythm of the retreat.  Whatever came before or after, would still be there and there was no reason to bring it up at the moment.  These things would certainly come knocking and I would just greet them with, I don’t know, indifference?  I’m not sure how to describe it. 

Despite the physical solitude and silence, I felt great support from everyone in attendance. As the retreat fades into the past and the days of the week come and go, I still feel that support, as if a seed was germinated and planted inside of me, continuing to be nourished each time I apply the method both on and off of the cushion.

One of the takeaways I have from the retreat is the importance of carrying the method and applying it when moving through the world.  While it was always something I had an intellectual awareness of, it has now become something that brings me great joy.  I feel clumsy in that description, but I don’t know how else to say it.

Thank you Rebecca for guiding us last Sunday.  It was a truly memorable and valuable experience.

Reflections

As a teacher my choices do not only affect me

This article on Billy Graham’s missed opportunities helps remind me of the importance of being aware of our influence on others as teachers.  The choices we make in what we teach, how we teach as well as how much we adapt the teachings to our changing society have consequences.  The more influential one becomes, the greater care we ought to take in cultivating this awareness as these are no longer personal choices when we serve in the role of Dharma teacher.