Silent Illumination Retreat–May 2023 (C.B.)

Having attended a 7 day retreat last year I arrived confident that this time I would settle in more quickly.  I was not nervous, just a bit excited to get started.  Little did I know I would soon be presented with an unexpected challenge and guide to my practice. Sunday morning I awoke and I reached up from bed to turn on the light.  My right shoulder did not appreciate that maneuver and responded with a very painful muscle spasm.  It took a few minutes to realize what happened and to figure out what motions I could or couldn’t make.  It would prove to be an aid in focusing my bodymind awareness and would force me to practice compassion toward myself; to be easier on this aging body. 

 I was able to settle in after the first day, which was quite difficult, and to relax and receive the teaching.  The introduction of Silent Illumination resonated deeply and I sat with periods of clear awareness.  Sometimes my shoulder would do its bad thing. This sharply brought my awareness to the exact position of my right arm and shoulder.  It proved to be both an interruption and a point of focus for practice during the Eight Form meditation and standing stretching.

The whole retreat was one continuously changing moment. Impermanence.  Dynamic stillness. Vibrantly calm.  It doesn’t last. Then back or knee pain.  It is a big problem to sit there and try to make things stay the same!   Often I would struggle.  But when I relaxed in good posture I could settle into a good period of sitting.  Amazing!  Just as our teacher pointed out it is necessary to overcome our conceptual understanding of what of what meditation is and just sit. 

So, that’s one big takeaway; to relax and let go of mind.  Let thoughts go. The other is the importance of continuously practicing.  In Master Sheng Yen’s commentary on the poem Faith in Mind he talks about practice as putting air in your tires. If you meditate daily and go on retreat once or twice a year you are putting enough air in to balance the leak. Your tires won’t go flat. But if you practice continuously you can stop the leak!  

Lastly, I have found it easier since being back in the world to access what comes up when interacting with people, particularly my spouse and colleagues at work. So many habit tendencies!  Like when I get upset they can’t read my mind and then have to tell them more clearly what I mean!  Or when I’m at the food shelf volunteering I find it hard to strike up a conversation unless it’s about the most mundane things.  But I guess that’s how you start one. 

It is so fortunate that causes and conditions came together to create this retreat. From our skillful teacher, Rebecca, to DDRC, to the many volunteers, especially the cooks, and the retreatants I am extremely grateful and appreciatively joyful.  After three Silent Illumination retreats I feel I am starting to practice more effectively this method of no method.  And I have been inspired to make a vow to practice continuously without striving or any idea of gaining so Buddha nature may be revealed.  Forget what I think it is or should be.  Just practice.