In the past, attending retreats has been both challenging and very rewarding. My anxieties and habits reliably seem to show themselves at retreats, and this time was no different. Throughout the day on Saturday, I realized that something was bothering me. It was only later that I realized that I was holding on to the expectation that on this retreat, I should be “over” these anxieties because I had already dealt with them. I was expecting myself to be better at being present, and was judging myself for struggling with the method. This was that old familiar perfectionism or high expectations creeping in again. Having to do things right. Having to succeed. Getting stuck on mistakes. Feeling guilty and beating up on myself. What made it hard to detect is that it wasn’t quite clear to me at first. It was more of a subtle creeping up of it. But then of course once I realized what was going on, it was so clear. And even clearer right now while writing this and reflecting back. So this retreat was helpful in getting to see this pattern emerge again and hopefully be able to recognize it sooner going forward. I don’t have expectations of it going away, but I do see my work as to continue to be more aware of it.